Everything I do, I do it for...me

Something interesting was stated on HBO's "The Leftovers" this past week. Matt is a preacher who comes in contact with another man who refers to himself as "God". In the course of a conversation between the two of them, Matt says everything he's done has been for Him. God's response is intriguing...thought-provoking...phenomenal. He states:
"Everything you've done you've done b/c you thought I was watching. B/c you thought I was judging. I wasn't. I'm not.You haven't done anything for me. You did it for yourself."

Wow.

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to say about this. I couldn't let such a statement go without commenting on it b/c it's so powerful and true! Let's dissect it...
People who believe in God believe that He's always watching them. He will immediately see if a child gets in trouble in school; He will see if a woman lies to a friend; He will see if a man cheats on a test; He will see everything people do, whether it's good or bad!
People who believe in God believe that they will be judged upon their death. This judgement will send them to Heaven or Hell. For every bad thing someone does, God will make a mark. For every good thing someone does, God will make a mark. Upon death these marks add up and determine the person's fate.
With this in mind, you can see how every action then is a direct result of someone doing something for THEMSELVES. No one wants to go to Hell. Who would want that?

Other spiritual practices have similar judgements with similar outcomes, though not necessarily from a god. For example, Buddhists believe that our karma determines our next lives. We work to build merit so as to eliminate negative karma from our past and help build positive karma in the present. More positive karma leads to a greater likelihood of a higher rebirth. Who wouldn't want that? (And yes, that's the simplified version!)

So it really comes down to a fear of the unknown and protection for ourselves from that unknown. Everything we do...we do for ourselves...

The Stomach Pit

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're nervous? The same feeling when you know you've forgotten something really important? Or you suddenly realize you fucked up so badly there's no turning back? Or when you lose someone who is so important in your life?

It's like a giant gaping wound that someone is stirring incessantly...no matter how hard you try to close the hole it won't stop bleeding. No matter how many times you tell yourself, "everything will be fine!" or "I'm sure no one will notice!" that pit remains. Stirring...churning...

Just when you think it's starting to subside, something else stirs it up. Maybe it's not even anything related to you! Maybe it's a news headline about racism or death or natural disasters. But b/c the pit was already opened in your stomach, these ideas rip it wide open again.

There is so much in this world that is beautiful and positive. There are so many things that should fill our stomachs and hearts with love and peace. Yet one little thing can effect our stomach so fully...tear it open and pour salt on the wound...what is it about the human mind that allows this to happen? Why do we find it so difficult to allow the happy and joyous stories in life to seal our stomach pits, calm our nerves, and fill us with peace? As easy as it is to hold onto the pain, it should be as easy to let it go and replace it with happiness.
But it isn't...
It just isn't...