Our National Anthem

I just spent the last couple of days learning about the United States' national anthem. We're going through a ton of turmoil in this country and it was the perfect time for me to learn a bit about our history. In fact, it wouldn't hurt the rest of the country to revisit the time of Francis Scott Key & the War of 1812.
I wonder how many people know that the national anthem was written about seeing our flag through the smoke & dawn of a night filled w/ battle against the British. Do people realize that had we lost this battle we wouldn't have a country today?
The protests going on involving sitting or kneeling for the anthem don't make a whole lot of sense when you know how we arrived at this song becoming our anthem. But, it is people's right to protest. And we gained these rights through battles like the War of 1812. So, I actually understand the people protesting the protesters less then the protesters themselves.
All that being said, I think the most interesting fact to me is that the battle in Baltimore was supported by every type of American. There are accounts of men & women helping to prepare for the British invasion. There were a significant number of African Americans fighting at Fort McHenry. People from all over the area came to help with the battle either as military or militia or average citizens helping to protect Baltimore any way they knew how. Every type of person pitched in. And as a result, we defeated the British, saved America, & celebrated w/ a new flag & song.
These two symbols  - the flag and the National Anthem - were a result of a country united. And today they are pulling us apart. What a shame we don't study & celebrate history...

Spiritual Refocusing...

Just a short thought tonight...b/c I needed a bit of a reminder to stay focused...I practice New Kadampa Buddhism and lately I haven't been able to get to my meditations as often as I should. I've been trying to read a book for the past 6 months or so but I tend to re-read sections and never get finished w/ it! So tonight I spent some time reading notes from the past few years' classes, just to get a quick refresher.
I go to classes and read books to learn more. But, in all honesty, I never seem to learn anything new! The spiritual practice of meditating and finding inner peace is so basic and should be simplistic. But of course, if it truly was simplistic then we'd all find inner peace, all live in harmony caring about one another, and all be patient and kind to everyone we meet. World peace would be a reality we could all enjoy!
Alas, this is not the case. Instead, we are filled with delusions that cause us to stray from our inner peace and compassion and cause us to see things through our emotional filters. Every note I turned to in my trusty notebook reminded me to take time to meditate and refocus on compassion for others. The notes reminded me to cherish others, removing self-cherishing from my life. I was reminded of the difference between love and attachment (this one is a big struggle for me!). I re-discovered practicing patience. It is amazing how I can read books, I can sit in classes, yet I forget the basics of Buddhism in an instant!

Meditation is amazing. It truly does refocus my mind on cherishing others, learning to let things and people go that I've become attached to, and helps me find that much-needed and enjoyed inner peace. 

Everything I do, I do it for...me

Something interesting was stated on HBO's "The Leftovers" this past week. Matt is a preacher who comes in contact with another man who refers to himself as "God". In the course of a conversation between the two of them, Matt says everything he's done has been for Him. God's response is intriguing...thought-provoking...phenomenal. He states:
"Everything you've done you've done b/c you thought I was watching. B/c you thought I was judging. I wasn't. I'm not.You haven't done anything for me. You did it for yourself."

Wow.

So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to say about this. I couldn't let such a statement go without commenting on it b/c it's so powerful and true! Let's dissect it...
People who believe in God believe that He's always watching them. He will immediately see if a child gets in trouble in school; He will see if a woman lies to a friend; He will see if a man cheats on a test; He will see everything people do, whether it's good or bad!
People who believe in God believe that they will be judged upon their death. This judgement will send them to Heaven or Hell. For every bad thing someone does, God will make a mark. For every good thing someone does, God will make a mark. Upon death these marks add up and determine the person's fate.
With this in mind, you can see how every action then is a direct result of someone doing something for THEMSELVES. No one wants to go to Hell. Who would want that?

Other spiritual practices have similar judgements with similar outcomes, though not necessarily from a god. For example, Buddhists believe that our karma determines our next lives. We work to build merit so as to eliminate negative karma from our past and help build positive karma in the present. More positive karma leads to a greater likelihood of a higher rebirth. Who wouldn't want that? (And yes, that's the simplified version!)

So it really comes down to a fear of the unknown and protection for ourselves from that unknown. Everything we do...we do for ourselves...

The Stomach Pit

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you're nervous? The same feeling when you know you've forgotten something really important? Or you suddenly realize you fucked up so badly there's no turning back? Or when you lose someone who is so important in your life?

It's like a giant gaping wound that someone is stirring incessantly...no matter how hard you try to close the hole it won't stop bleeding. No matter how many times you tell yourself, "everything will be fine!" or "I'm sure no one will notice!" that pit remains. Stirring...churning...

Just when you think it's starting to subside, something else stirs it up. Maybe it's not even anything related to you! Maybe it's a news headline about racism or death or natural disasters. But b/c the pit was already opened in your stomach, these ideas rip it wide open again.

There is so much in this world that is beautiful and positive. There are so many things that should fill our stomachs and hearts with love and peace. Yet one little thing can effect our stomach so fully...tear it open and pour salt on the wound...what is it about the human mind that allows this to happen? Why do we find it so difficult to allow the happy and joyous stories in life to seal our stomach pits, calm our nerves, and fill us with peace? As easy as it is to hold onto the pain, it should be as easy to let it go and replace it with happiness.
But it isn't...
It just isn't...

Marriage...ages of merriment?

Marriage - an institution that binds together two people. They pledge to be together until one of them dies. They grow - apart or together. They learn more about each other with each passing year. Some of this is good and some is annoying. There are a variety of sayings that go along w/ marriage but my least favorite is, "Marriage takes work". This is where I get stuck. Why? Why should it take work to love someone? Isn't that stupid? Isn't that contradictory? That's exactly why I don't do Valentine's Day. I don't need a day to tell me I love someone! If I love them, they know it b/c I tell them!

Sorry, I digress...the point of this blog is to sort out my thoughts. I've now been married for 18 years. In that time we've loved and laughed, we've argued and cried, we've been indifferent and boring. We've worked at this marriage. I've given up on this marriage at least a hundred times. And yet here we are - locked into this institution...and I'm back where I started. I don't regret being married. I've gotten the most wonderful daughter out of it! And I'm not saying there haven't been any good years b/c there have been fabulous vacations, loving support in times of stress, and years that just flew by b/c all was well. But perhaps we've grown apart while being bound together. We've always been respectful of each other and allowed each other freedoms to live. I know that even if we weren't married we'd still be a part of each other's lives. So why do we feel blah? Why do I feel that marriage isn't ages and ages of merriment? Why do I feel it's forced togetherness w/ no lasting ties other than that piece of paper?

18 years is a long time. When people first get married they have this sense that a long marriage is a success. They strive to be like the grandparents who were married 50 years! They will be the couple that lasts! For some people this is a success.
Being able to stay with one person for a very long time is some kind of achievement.
For other people, being able to stay with one person is comforting. They know what they have and don't really want to know what else might be out there.
For other people, staying in a marriage is the best thing for the kids.
For other people they truly are soulmates and they can work through anything, keep up the excitement and fun, and rekindle love at will.

I'm coming to the end of these rambling thoughts and thinking I should have done a history of marriage. I'm sure there were societal reasons why it began...perhaps I'll look that up and add a second blog to this series! Stay tuned!
In the meantime, I've come to no conclusion but hopefully I've gotten you thinking. Evaluate your ages of merriment - do you believe they represent a success or are you bound to another person for ages and ages b/c you are living in an institution? I don't believe I've made my decision yet...